God will provide

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:26 pm

GIVE SOMETHING......... BY JOHN TWOROGER.

GIVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO YOU
A FRIENDLY WORD, A SMILE
IT IS LIKE A SUNBEAM IN THE BLUE
OUT ON A GOLDEN ISLE.

GIVE SOMETHING TO A SUFFERING SOUL
THAT ERRS THE SAME AS YOU
AND CAN NOT FIND IN LIFE ITS GOAL
YOUR GIFT WILL HELP YOU TOO

GIVE SOMETHING FROM YOUR HEART AWAY
TO SAVE A FELLOW MAN
A FEELING OF WARM SYMPATHY
WILL DO IT NOW AND THEN

THE HAPPINESS YOU WILL BESTOW
TODAY PERHAPS TOMORROW
IN TORRENTS BACK AGAIN WILL FLOW
TO HELP YOU IN YOUR SORROW

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Feb 12, 2017 4:22 pm

Teacher: Give me proof how will you complete the cycle?
Student: Rat scared of a cat. Cat scared of a dog. Dog scared of a man. Man scared of his wife. Wife scared of a rat. This is how cycle is completed.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Feb 12, 2017 4:29 pm

After explaining about cock, hen, poultry, and eggs, the first grade lady teacher asked;
Lady Teacher; yes kids, who is going to answer, " Why hen sits on egg after delivery?"
A kid answered innocently: because there are no chairs in hen's house.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Feb 12, 2017 4:43 pm

A villager's donkey entered the mosque and started braying. Mulla ji became upset and angered, he kicked out donkey and went to owner's house knocking his door. When villager came out and asked mulla ji what happened? Mulla ji blasted and said, why don't you control your donkey, that stupid entered the mosque and made it unclean.
Villager replied; Mulla ji look, this is a stupid and BRAINLESS animal don't no rules and regulations, Have you ever seen me coming to mosque!!

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Feb 12, 2017 4:54 pm

A young man kneeled in front of his girl friend and said," without you everything is dark and dreary....the clouds gather and the wind beats the rain..... then comes the warm sun....you are like a rainbow, honey."
Is this a proposal or a weather report, honey. The girl replied.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:29 pm

A wife being a romantic sort sent her husband a text;" If you are sleeping send me your dreams, if you are laughing send me your smile, if you are eating send me your bite, if you are drinking send me a sip, if you are crying in my love send me your tears, I love you honey."
The husband typically unromantic replied ' at present I am in toilet, please advice'.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Feb 26, 2017 8:58 pm

Girl asked her husband; JAAN aap mujhey RANI kiyu(n) kahtey ho? ( honey, why you call me Rani 'Queen").
Husband busy on computer replied; Kiyu(n) ke NOUKIRANI (house maid) kahna lumba hota hai tou short form mey RANI bol deta hu(n).
Girl said to husband; And do you know why I call you JAAN?
Husband no I don't know, why?
Girl replied; Kiyu(n) ke JAANWAR (animal) kahna bahut lumba hai tou short form mey aap ko JAAN kahti hu(n).

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Wed Mar 01, 2017 3:08 pm

I was excited when read about Elon Musk founder of 'Space X' to send PRIVATE MISSION ON MOON next year. I started dreaming to be included in that mission. One night during dream I found myself landing on moon. I looked out of window and saw a beautiful scenery, every where flowers. There I saw Gulistan, Bostaan, Phulistan but no Qabaristan. When I started coming down on ground, I saw many HUURS standing in line with garlands in their hands to honor me. The first HUUR put garland in my neck and disappeared, the second one did the same thing, put garland in my neck and disappeared. I counted 49 all disappeared. The last one, when that HUUR put garland in my neck, I hold her hand thinking 'Shiva pakar ley yeh bhi gaaib ho jai gi'. That was my mistake. I knew not she was a Marshal Art Expert. She punch me on my face, left hook then right hook then turned around and kicked on my butts hardly. I felt like flying and fell on floor of my bed room, and yelled OUUI MAA. My Mom came running and asked me," kuro thio chhokra?" I said nothing Mom, it was just a dream. My Mom replied," Chhokra aau(n) tou khey chaicey ke shaadi kar, roj roj jammen te chhani paiyae(n) tou, Tojhey lai HUUR ghotiy(n)ti." I replied, NO AMMA, mu(n) khey HUUR NA KHAPEY, ee HUUR hui jeka mu(n)jhe Bhandey te latt hai(n) aney munjha Bhandda jurri piya aahin, aau(n) halli natho sagha(n), hi Ram.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Thu Mar 02, 2017 2:53 pm

A rich person went to see plastic surgeon for consultation, he asked Dr;
Rich person: Dr. how much you will charge me for plastic surgery of my face?
Plastic Surgeon: Ten thousand dollars.
Rich person: Oh, Dr it is too much, if I purchase plastic from market on my own then how mush discount you will give me?
Dr. replied then you should not have to come in my office, you know what, just warm the plastic in fry pan at your residence and stick on your face, that's how you will save fees.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Thu Mar 02, 2017 2:58 pm

KHA FOR KHARAK SINGH

KHARAK SINGH KE KHARAKNEY SE KHARAKTI HAI(N) KHIRKIYA(N)
KHIRKIYU(N) KE KHARAK NE SE KHARAKTA HAI KHARAK SINGH

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 05, 2017 7:57 pm

FUNNY CALCULATIONS:

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs...
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 05, 2017 8:05 pm

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ' Shiva, You're next.'

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 'you are the next'. ( just kidding)

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Tue Mar 07, 2017 1:52 pm

A millionaire asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Millionaire asked again, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Millionaire asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Thu Mar 09, 2017 2:47 pm

There was a guy in the middle of the mountainous area and his car broke down. He started walking and came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule. The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say “Thank the Lord!” to make it go and “Amen!” to make it stop. So the man said, “Thank the lord", and the mule took off! He came to the edge of a cliff and forgot how to make it stop ( He forgot the pass word Amen). Finally, at the very edge he remembered, “Amen!” The mule stopped. In excitement he shouted, “Thank the lord!” (for saving life) and the mule took off and jumped from the cliff.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:32 pm

COMING OF NAVRUZ....

THE FRAGRANCES OF GRACE EMPLOY
SALVATION THROUGH NEW HOPE
BOUQUETS OF LOVE AND KNOWLEDGE
ARE THE BLOOMS THAT HELP US COPE

IN TRIUMPHAL PROCESSION
WE WALK WITH BLOSSOMS BRIGHT
SHARING THOSE FRAGRANCES
AND WALK IN HIS LIGHT

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:48 pm

Two guys, one old, one young,
were pushing their carts around a super store,

when they collide.

The old guy said to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess, I
wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she look like?"

The young guy said, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, beautiful, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

'And what does your wife look like?' the young guy asked?

To which the old guy said,

"Doesn't matter, forget her she may be some where --- let's look for yours."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:51 pm

A writer asked his publisher friend;
Writer: I want to give a gift of diamond ring to my fiance but confused what shall I engrave on this ring?
Publisher: Engrave ' all rights reserved'.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 19, 2017 8:03 pm

A 8th grade student failed in school exams sheepishly asked hid dad;
Student: Daddy when you failed in your school exam what my grandpa did with you?
Daddy: He beat me up.
Student: And when grandpa failed in exam, what his father did to him.
Daddy: He was beaten too.
Student: Oh, this looks like our family tradition. Daddy if you cooperate with me we together can stop this family tradition of " GHUNDHA GARDI ".

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 19, 2017 8:06 pm

COMING OF NAVRUZ....

THE FRAGRANCES OF GRACE EMPLOY
SALVATION THROUGH NEW HOPE
BOUQUETS OF LOVE AND KNOWLEDGE
ARE THE BLOOMS THAT HELP US COPE

IN TRIUMPHAL PROCESSION
WE WALK WITH BLOSSOMS BRIGHT
SHARING THOSE FRAGRANCES
AND WALK IN HIS LIGHT

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Sun Mar 19, 2017 8:20 pm

LIFE IS AN ECHO, ALL COMES BACK
THE GOOD, THE FALSE, THE TRUE
GIVE TO THE WORLD THE BEST YOU CAN
AND THE BEST WILL COME BACK TO YOU

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 11:51 am

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?

A: He didn't need them any longer -- his smart wife knows everything; from family news to local news, to JK news, to international news. She is a kind of cable service.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 11:56 am

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:03 pm

Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..
Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Mar 27, 2017 8:35 pm

LOGIC:

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Mar 27, 2017 9:06 pm

A little girl was trying to thread a needle. But the eye of the needle was very small. The thread was rather coarse and the little girl found her task very difficult. After several unsuccessful attempts her patience was exhausted. Innocently she explained in a tone of despair, can't you see the thread I have shown it to you lot of times.

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Apr 03, 2017 9:15 pm

MARRIAGE:
A marriage is a funeral where a person smell his own flowers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage: The foreclosure of a mortgage on a man's future happiness.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind and marriage is an eye opener.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
We haven been married ten years today.
Wonderful, shall I kill a chicken and celebrate?
Why punish a poor chicken for something that happened 10 years ago?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A person was engaged to a movie star and on his wedding day his car stalled, so abruptly he text message to her imploring; Delayed for a few hours, don't marry anyone until I get there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you live without your wife?
Much cheaper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get along at home so well?
My wife is Secretary of the Treasury, her mother is Secretary of War, the house maid is Secretary of Interior.......
And are you the President?
No, I am the public that pays the taxes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a single man and a married man?
A single man has no buttons on his shirt, and a married man has no shirt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the future tense of marry?
Divorce.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage a man "Yearns" for a woman. After marriage the "Y" is silent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the greatest lotteries in the world is licensed by law and religion that is marriage and is sponsored by clergymen or Mulla (nikahkhwan).

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:19 pm

A couple had two mischievous little boys, ages 7 and 10. At their wits' end, the parents contacted a clergyman who had been successful in rehabilitating bad children in the past.

The clergyman asked to see the boys individually. The 7 year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

At that, the boy ran from the room, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what happened.

The younger brother replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!"

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:27 pm

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be arrogant, he'll give you a hard time.
But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"
Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:47 pm

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.
The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

shivaathervedi · Post by **shivaathervedi** » Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:49 pm

Conversation between a plane and a rocket:

Plane: How do you fly so fast?
Rocket: You'll know when your ass is on fire.