Man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bar tender points a gun at him. He says thank you and leaves. What happened here?
-- He had the hiccups!
Just for a laugh
Do You Believe in Me?
Do You Believe in Me?
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."
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Guest
When I am an Old Lady
When I'm an Old Lady
Unknown Author
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids,
and make them so happy, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they'll shout.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes,
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan. "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
Unknown Author
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids,
and make them so happy, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they'll shout.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes,
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan. "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.
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Guest
Two Kinds of People
Two Kinds of People
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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Guest
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I'll believe in reincarnation in my next life."
"I'll believe in reincarnation in my next life."
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Guest
I Know What the Bible Means
I Know What the Bible Means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
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Guest
The True Origin of the Internet
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
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Guest
The Monastery on a Cliff
The Monastery on a Cliff
There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Ancient Ancestry
Ancient Ancestry
The following was overheard at a recent 'high society' party:
"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
The following was overheard at a recent 'high society' party:
"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
Honesty
A young lady was soaking up the sun's rays on a Florida beach when a little boy in his swimming trunks, carrying a towel, came up to her and asked her, "Do you believe in God?" She was surprised by the question but she replied, "Why, yes, I do." Then he asked her: "Do you go to church every Sunday?" Again, her answer was "Yes!" He then asked: "Do you read your Bible and pray everyday?" Again she said, "Yes!" By now her curiosity was very much aroused. The little lad sighed with relief and said, "Will you hold my quarter while I go in swimming?"
Conversion Dilemma
Conversion Dilemma
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.
"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"
The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.
"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason with him!"
The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
A Rabbi, A Hindu and a Lawyer
A Rabbi, A Hindu and a Lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
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Guest
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Kalispell MT. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of MT, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling, replied,
"Son, you're in Montana now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Kalispell MT. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of MT, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling, replied,
"Son, you're in Montana now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,
"Up here, we work by results,"
"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,
"Up here, we work by results,"
"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
Black and White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Guest
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
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Guest
JOKE OF THE DAY
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful
technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious
consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he
did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and
his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had
passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she
took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
_______________________________________________________________
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful
technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious
consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he
did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and
his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had
passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she
took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
_______________________________________________________________
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Guest
Turbulent Times
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
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Guest
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Guest
marriage
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over,
the strings are attached.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for
her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over,
the strings are attached.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for
her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
A Prisoner's Last Request
A Prisoner's Last Request
Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."
Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."
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Guest
Forrest Gump in Heaven
Forrest Gump in Heaven
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. What are two days of the week that begin with "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said, "Ok, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God's first name is either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on."
"Ok then, I give," said Saint Peter. "But what about God's first name?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. What are two days of the week that begin with "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said, "Ok, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God's first name is either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on."
"Ok then, I give," said Saint Peter. "But what about God's first name?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.
Guilty Conscience
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Guest
Adam’s Rib
Adam’s Rib
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Ok I haven't heard one where there is an Ismaili in it. So here it goes.
Mukhi noticed a man praying very hard in Jamet Khana for few years and finally call asks, "I have seen you pray tenuously for last few years, what are you asking for?" The man replies, "I am praying for a wife!" And Mukhi asked, "Anything else?" The man replied, "And Muskil Assan of course!" Mukhi nods and says under his breath as he looks over to the frowning mukhani, "but of course!" The man looked at the mukhi and the mukhi said, "Don't worry He is Listening to you..."
Mukhi noticed a man praying very hard in Jamet Khana for few years and finally call asks, "I have seen you pray tenuously for last few years, what are you asking for?" The man replies, "I am praying for a wife!" And Mukhi asked, "Anything else?" The man replied, "And Muskil Assan of course!" Mukhi nods and says under his breath as he looks over to the frowning mukhani, "but of course!" The man looked at the mukhi and the mukhi said, "Don't worry He is Listening to you..."
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Guest
An Orangutan's Reading List
An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."